The Rat Within the Grain – Damien Rice
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1qelBr8tw4
I only wanted for the best. I thought that was clear. Nonetheless, that blackened cloud of skepticism hovered above our heads. Fanning toes, I settled my unsandaled feet upon the cold stone, keeping my eyes fixated upon the nails badly in need or trimming, upon the blisters between which would create secret pangs of pain shooting up my spine on the way back. While the sun lowered, I knew I was running out of options. Her eyes had been settled upon mine, which were upon toes. The words bulged her lips outward, and those strawberry-glossed guards kept the imprisoned accusations back, waiting for the right moment to strike.
Had we actually went through the motions to plan anything, we would not be here at present. I arrived, in silence. I don’t want to mislead. There was talking, of course, but nothing which actually mattered. The words were simple, hollow… Concealing those spiteful accusations which were ever seeking ways out into the open. Stepping forward to embrace her form, Dawne retreated, resting in a toppled heap against the doorframe, leaving no space for my arms to settle ‘round her middle. Her nails dug against her jeans, finding that small, useless clasp framing miniscule right pocket which must have been designed as a joke, too small to be of any use.
“Joel, no…”
The first shot, a startling devastating one, yet her arsenal showed no signs of shrinkage. The words rubbed against one another within her chest, budding and replacing the supply. All those collisions must have created fiction, as her face was flushed, showing through the messy primrose strands covering her face, bare of makeup. She could riddle me with a clip of accusations, split me in half with an incendiary “I should have known better… My friends were right,” or simply vaporize me, leaving a shadowy figure upon the wall. The location would go down in history for the dropping of Dawne’s “Break Up” bomb. Total victory was achieved. Knowing full well her potential, her intentions, we continued with our itinerary. Only she canceled plans, and she was intent on following through.
After several minutes, we settled in the familiar spot. Rocks jutted from the ground, each unabashedly reaching for the sun, using fellow stones as stepping-stools to reach their lofty target. The cliff was the location for many firsts. My first swig of Jack Daniels. My first kiss. My first time with a woman… It was the setting for anything important in my life, a prominence which I shared all too readily with those I loved. It became routine. Dinner, movie, cliff. It became tacky, despite the marvelous view of the city, the constant buzzing hum from the electrically-veined hub my people.
Back to toes. Toes and eyes, firmly fixed on one another. The rugged, well-traveled digits scrunched inward, as if trying hiding from the caustic gaze from the woman with something to say. The callouses offered no protection. Finally, a breath escaped those swelling lips, ready to burst. I swore the noise resembled, “Caught.”
“You know, this spot is special to me, Joel… Was,” she explains, glaring at eyes which refused to stare back. “Private, natural, romantic, under the stars...” We retreated to the cliff to catch the sunset two months prior, arms linked, side-by-side, kisses exchanged. I watched her closely, the way she dressed, the way her hips swayed in a happy little wiggle. We made love that night, as I knew we would. You can just tell when someone’s ready. For her, it must have been special…
For me, she was the fourth woman I brought here…
“Why didn’t you tell me…? You made me part of a series. I’m not like those other women, Joel…” Those eyes were relentless, pupils narrowed in an expression of pain and rage.
“I’m sorry…” It’s all I could say. In my head, words swirled about, dexterous enough to avoid capture and release. It was still special to me… It’s not what it looks like… Please forgive me… I never meant to… My expression remained fixed, the half-lidded eyes of a caught man waiting his conviction and sentencing.
A sudden pressure on my arm stilled my heart; Dawne’s feather-light palm fell unusually heavily upon me. “I’m gonna have to think about this, Joel… All this…” That was it. No conviction, no ire. He half expected to be tossed off this stunning cliff face, given one last chance to venerate the sunset before it was all over.
I never wanted to hurt you, Dawne… I only wanted to make things special… I gave courtship clockwork innards. I made it routine, treated them all the same. This spot, this enclave of nature had been a place of comfort for me. I needed to share that.
“I’m sorry…” The phrase echoed, simple yet sincere.
“I know, Joel, I know…” The heavy weight became upward force, lifting me from my rocky seat. We went our separate ways that night, intending the best in our minds, waging wars in our hearts.
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