This Bitch

This Bitch : An exaggeration by Barry Santos

So it’s High School and I’m getting my college letters and I’m getting them in the mail one by one and I keep getting rejected and there are like two left that haven’t come in – The University of New Hampshire and Rivier College in Nashua. I’m constantly checking the mailbox outside of my house everyday anxiously (either that or calling my mom to have her check, cause I got shit to do every day after school) but the last two just seem to be hiding in the bottom of the post office’s damn bins and all I wanna do is go down there, break down the door, and rip through all the mail till I get them.

Anyways, so one day, I’m coming home, I get to the mailbox, pull down the little mail-door, and there is a whole lot of mail. A cornucopia of mail, if you will (and I will). But I skip through the bills, the thick Sears Catalogue, grab the Macy’s one cause I got some nice gift certificates left from my birthday last year, and ignore all the rest except the big Rivier College envelope and a few others at the bottom of the pile. I figure, “Big is better so I guess I’m in” and I put it under one arm. And then I see the UNH one and it’s tiny and I figure, “Shit, I guess I’m going to Riv (as it is commonly abbreviated)” and I throw it on the ground.

And I did go to Riv. And it’s Catholic. And I’m not. But I decide to try it out, give it a go, whatever. It’s not like UNH accepted me yet, so I figure’d I’ll just kick some ass academically and transfer if I hate the hell out of it. So I apply for a dorm. And I wait a few months and I get my roommate and her name is Alaina Stevenson and from as far as I can see her Facebook is non-existent, so I get a little worried. But I’m not caring too much and I buy all those nice supplies and bed sheets from Linens and Things and Homegoods and I say goodbye to all my old friends and mommy and daddy take me to Riv and we start moving in.

And then we get in the dorm room. And this Alaina girl. This bitch, she sucks. For one, she has the greasiest, flattest, ugliest damn brown-stringy hair I’ve ever seen in my whole life. She is covered head to toe (and she’s like four-ten so that’s not a very big space to fill) with Hollister and her jeans are light blue and ripped and she looks so trashy and I can’t even look at them and her shoes are those ugly-ass phat farm ones and they are supposed to be white but not at all because it looks like she plays in shit all day on her farm in Podunk, Kentucky. She smiles at me like she’s got some sort of secret because only half her smile comes out to play and I can see she’s missing at least two of her teeth. “Hi…I’m Alaina…you must be Emily”. Now. I almost laughed right then, right there, in her face, because her voice sounds like someone who one, swallowed a cucumber and got it lodged in her throat and two, happened to be the spawn of Fran Dreisher and Pee-Wee Herman. This Alaina, this bitch, has the most nasally voice I’ve ever heard in my whole goddamn life. To top it off, it was only her boyfriend moving her in. I only have two things to say about him. One, white trash, two he had a white power tattoo on his chest that I could see through his sweaty-ass see-through wife beater. I don’t think that I even need to explain that I wanted to leave right there, right then and go the hell home. But I didn’t. I’m classy.

So I make some friends in the dorm, hang out with them a bunch and Alaina starts to tag along. Whatever, but she’ s got a nasty ass attitude and reeks of weed half the time and she’s always smoking butts. And I smoke butts, but she smokes these nasty-ass Checkers and they cost like two bucks a pack and I hate them and their smell and their taste because they taste, and I know ciggies don’t always taste the best, like pig fat thrown out at the end of the night at Chinese restaurant and burned in a dumpster full of lettuce and newspapers. Also, she used to snort Percocet and Oxy off of her Biology book in the middle of the damn day. Damn gross. Damn Alaina. But I’m classy, so I let her hang out with me for a whole damn semester before I say something. And when I did, she threw a fit.

It goes like this. Whenever she tagged along with my friends and me she was always a wet blanket and I got pretty sick and tired of it. She never had fun. She always complained. I was like “Hey Alaina, why do you hang out with us if you aren’t having fun?” and I threw my hands up in the air in the most questioning movement I could think of in order to make her really think about what she was gonna say or something. And she got all sensitive and then got all pissy and her voice got all high and she was like, being a wet blanket and left. And so I get home and the resident assistant is all “We gotta talk” and I’m not gonna rehash the whole story but this Alaina, this bitch, told the RA I was harassing her. Fuck that, fuck this. I ignore her. And in the meantime, I applied to UNH, got in, and was happy as could be. And so I don’t talk to Alaina – don’t need to. She’s not worth my time. She smokes her Checkers, her weed, and does her drugs on her Biology book and wears those goddamn ugly-ass phat farms and I ignore her and secretly decide early to leave the dorms so I could get ready for UNH.

So on the last day my friends throw me a party in the dorm. Alaina isn’t invited and she knows it. Serves her right.

And I drink a little booze. I’m not drunk. Believe me, a little tipsy, but nowhere near drunk. So it ends and I go get ready for bed and I’m washing my face in the sink in our room and Alain comes in. She turns to me and goes, in that God-awful Fran Dresher Pee-Wee Herman spawn-voice “You are a FUCKING mess.” And she throws her chair around the room. And she slams the door so hard and it hit me in the ass and I bump my head against the faucet. It hurts like hell. I rise and look at myself in the mirror. I have a little bit of blood running down my forehead and I am completely covered in suds and bubbles and shit and there is water everywhere and my mascara is running and I look like I have rabies or something and even I hadn’t seen a girl look so crazy in awhile. So I say out loud pretty damn loudly “Bitch is gonna pay”.

So I swing open the door and run outside and Alaina is walking down the hallway and I grab her greasy ponytail and it was so greasy I almost thought she had put butter in her hair so I almost lost hold of it but I didn’t. And I took this bitch, this Alaina bitch, and bashed her head against the wall. And I see her gap-toothed/missing-toothed mouth open and she lets out the scariest goddamn scream I’ve ever heard and so I punch her in the back of the head and she screams again and I can imagine I looked awful and like an insane person but the bitch, she had it coming. So the RA comes out and breaks it up and I am smiling and she can’t do anything cause I’m leaving this hellhole anyways so I go to my room and sleep in my bed and am happy as could be because not only is Alaina sleeping with the RA tonight, but I’m leaving in the morning and now that bitch knows not to fuck with Emily Sullivan.